Hanna Ehlers MA
Tue,15 Mar 2011
Hanna Ehlers MA
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You have been holding and waiting for me to find myself, for me to realise I am lost and to reunite with my Self, with which I lost touch long ago. If I ever new myself, that place beyond words, beyond actions and beyond the mind, it was so early on and not a conscious memory of being a Self exists, no memory of ever knowing or feeling my existence can be recalled.
Something has clicked, I am becoming, I am going within and I am growing. Now today, I realise I have been visiting this place very rarely in the past and only when my hand was forced, it was so painful and frightening that I in fact did not realise that this place was me, I did not realise that I was being given an opportunity to meet with the real self I had hidden long ago. More recently I have been visiting this place more, although not knowing at first that I was in the presence of myself, I was led to believe it was instead something that had come over me, or something which was outside of myself. Until today I did not know in the last couple of months that I have been making initial meetings with my original and real Self, the Self beyond the persona, the mask and the false structure of the security net of defence. I did not know until today that I was coming home.
I have felt so confused lately and had wondered if I was in fact completely malfunctioning, that I was so wrongly on the path that the obsessive thoughts and feelings of such dark and desperate war inside my mind was a turn to the dark and despairing places of psychosis and beyond the line of normal psychological and spiritual functioning. Until today I did not understand.
Now I feel I can see clearly, I see all those around me who have been knowing and unknowingly providing me with mirrors to witness my unfolding back to myself. I can see today the role you have been playing for me, the careful holding you have provided me with, the tightrope you have had to walk, ensuring you did not over step my progression of discovering that I have been lost, that I have been hiding and that you were allowing me to be lost and to hide until I was ready. Your patience I now understand and only now, I can learn why it is you did not push me or offer more of the type of involvement my persona or defence would have thrived on, in order to distract myself further, today I understand some of what you have been seeing me go through and it is as if I am on the other side now, I have met you and we are both looking at what I was going through.
I had felt so often that somewhere there were many people on the other side of a veil or of a place, watching and waiting for me to awaken, to come through, and now I am with you all and I can see what you have been seeing. Today I have taken my first new steps into the world, I am here, I am alive, I am still learning who I am and will have a journey to take but I have met the pain, the un-acceptance of living, the feelings trapped inside that so wanted me to die and the feelings that have been with me all my life, below the surface, I met them today with such shock and pain and then I realised, this was the real me. When I realised this, it completely dissolved as I allowed all of the pain, fear, torture and sadness to run through my body and turn my legs to jelly, I realised I had been meeting myself through these triggers for sometime but that I was too frightened and not ready to accept myself as I was, I was not ready before to stay in this place, so I returned to a mask and a false placebo until I was ready to begin the journey of reuniting with myself. I had run so far to try and deny and ignore these feelings which I felt when I was small that I forgot to feel at all at somepoint and my journey back to feeling, back to the body, back to life began with the love you started showing me some years ago.
It was today that the rest of me appeared, I heard, “you have left this place, you have left yourself out in the cold for so long, that when you return, you can’t expect for it to be anything but what you last left there, blackness and fear. But now you have a chance to transform this place, to clean it up, to grow from the dark and the only chance you will have to be free.” I now know if I remained outside of myself I would be forever lost and would forever fall, I would be carrying on the lie. I am now ready to be home, to live inside and will perhaps if I am lucky and if I continue to walk, I may be able to accept life, to transform from something of the dark, I can feel and when I feel me, when I own my feelings, as difficult as they are, I am in less pain now than living a false life outside of myself. I am tired of pretending, I am tired of keeping myself distracted and aside from me.
I am home and I don’t want to lose touch with my home ever again for it is worse than any pain I can feel. To be lost, apart from a home, you didn’t even know existed is a hell no person should ever experience. Yet I feel many do.
Have you ever been frightened of people being trapped in their own bodies or minds? Or not being able to move or having died and not knowing they had died? Perhaps you wonder about people having lost themselves in a dimension outside of which they did not know. I feel that some part of me was trying to communicate to me that I was not in touch with myself and this can be common for many going through and awakening or the cracking of a false self system, which we had guarded not only others but also ourselves from. I had kept myself hidden from the most sacred thing in the world, me! Have you been doing the same? Is it time to come back into your body? Maybe you are weary of investing so much time and energy protecting and hiding that you now know you must return home.
The false selves are the cleverest piece of psyche protection, keeping strong identities and characters operating with attachments and distractions which negotiated all the energy exchanges for the operation of your real self, except keeping the essence of real self carefully stored away even from the reaches of the false self system. It is a sad and desperate act for this to happen if a child feels unable to negotiate the world as his or herself so in a last resort the biggest protection ever is created. The essence of you may have perhaps been locked up a long time ago in infancy. If this was you, you were unable to accept you life and reality, your feelings because there was insufficient help or understanding enough to hold you through meeting the difficult feelings that came with growing into life and a body and an adult because you were not safe or understood. So the psyche self operating, false self system took over and a bargain was made to keep you safe until your essence was ready to come out into the light. The bargain however meant that you ceased to exist and instead a robotic system managed all life affairs. Now your essence has been growing for some time and has tried to override the false self systems on a number of occasions, yet was not strong enough to overpower the army officer type psyche defence until now when there has been sufficient enough energy return to the essence of your original self so a transition of power can take place and the original soul Self can resume the life experience.
Perhaps there may be a few battles still from the false self system which had so much invested in being in control but now there is more energy on the part of the Self than there is of the defence system so that it is inevitable that the original energy of your god self will succeed and will continue to flourish. I AM.
It can take time to feel the courage and strength to meet yourself because when you do there is no place to hide anymore and it always occurs with the help of love and unconditional acceptance and trust, slowly you may allow another to see you. Then maybe if you are brave and are in a state of healing you may allow a handful of other people very close to you to see you but how many of us really allow more than one or two people to really see us? Are they seeing the image mask or a persona which you have created to receive love or the real you? It takes energy for you to pretend to be someone you are not. It will never be satisfying to be loved through an image of what you feel you need to be. When you are ready you will come out of the closet and will be able to listen to your own voice and be this self, it is time to be loved for exactly who you are. Show the world your light now!
Hanna Ehlers MA is a Spiritual Teacher and Psychotherapist and offers Sound Healing Courses and New Earth Workshops to assist people with the global awakening. For latest events visit www.lightworkersunite.co.uk or www.hanna-ehlers.com
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